Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize