when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
