In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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