Your dad touched me again.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize