I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
