I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize