my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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