so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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