I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
