so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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