wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
