you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
