we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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