Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
