just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
