anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize