when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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