You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
