got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
