filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
