I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Screwed.edu
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
