So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
