So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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