I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
bring money and cleavage
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
