dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
