i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
