I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
