Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
