well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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