About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
