The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
