So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
