I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
