Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
