I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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