when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
