I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
