everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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