just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
