I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just forgot I was standing up.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
