He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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