apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
