Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
