I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
