I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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