and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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