I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
