I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
