I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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