I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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