i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I intend to get homeless drunk
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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