Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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