He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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