I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
