It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
